My experience: As an adult, I can look back on my childhood and see that it definitely was not "carefree". However, when I was a child, I didn't know anything different, so I didn't think "This is really fucked up, I wish my family was normal." It wasn't until my mid-twenties, that I started to realize the full extent of how unfortunate my childhood was. Looking back, I felt betrayed by my parents and it was difficult to overcome the rage I felt towards them.
I'm in my thirties now and I'm majoring in psychology in university; it has been a life-changing experience for me. Learning about developmental psychology and gaining a sociological perspective has helped me understand the "why" of how I was raised. I can now recognize that my parents, however flawed their parenting skills were, they were doing the best they could with the information and resources they had available to them at the time.
Learning these things has helped me to forgive them and to give them the opportunity to be the parents that they were not when I was a child. My mother is embracing this new experience, but my father is struggling.
thisissomuchfun pretty much said what I had to say. I've learned to forgive mine but they still aren't ready to be the kind of parents who would do anything other than damage me.
Forgiveness is easier without constant reminders of what it is you're trying to forgive.
"I can now recognize that my parents, however flawed their parenting skills were, they were doing the best they could with the information and resources they had available to them at the time. "
I've heard similar things before, it's been suggested to me as a way to I guess move on or forgive, and I have to disagree (in my case anyway). I can think of so much stuff my parents did or let happen that shouldn't have happened. They knew it. So how is that doing their best? My parents were unimagineably cruel, abusive in every manner, and they're alcoholics.
Anyway, I have moved on but I can't really explain how. Part of it is that I realized that harboring anger was only hurting me, and much of what happened when I was a kid my parents don't even acknowledge or validate so it wouldn't get anywhere anyway.
I was merely relating my own personal experience. I didn't write that it is the same for everyone (or you), so I'm not sure why you have to "disagree" with me.
A few years ago, when my mum was finally conscious after undergoing brain surgery to plug up her aneurysm with platinum thread, she begged for my forgiveness and said she wished she could have done things differently. I forgave her and she has since been a wonderful mother. I'm lucky (she's lucky too) to be given a second chance and I'm not going to turn my back on it. My father still cannot admit that he was wrong, but his childhood was worse than mine, so I forgive him too.
I'm sorry you are unable to forgive yours; and I'm not telling you that you have to.
I wasn't disagreeing with you personally, I was disagreeing with that advice, as I had said, I had heard it before more than once. It had been suggested to me before, more than once. For me, as I said in my post (in MY case), I disagree with that, and it doesn't make sense. How is someone who is doing a child criminal harm "doing their best"?? That's all.
Not directed towards you at all, I realize you weren't suggesting it to me or anyone as advice, I'm just saying that people HAVE suggested it to me before and it irks me because I don't understand how someone, who knows my situation, could possibly believe that to be true (in MY case). It baffles me that it was even suggested to me.
I simply read your post, and wanted to comment on that part of it and maybe discuss it...but whatever.
Did you have a carefree childhood?
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My experience: As an adult, I can look back on my childhood and see that it definitely was not "carefree". However, when I was a child, I didn't know anything different, so I didn't think "This is really fucked up, I wish my family was normal." It wasn't until my mid-twenties, that I started to realize the full extent of how unfortunate my childhood was. Looking back, I felt betrayed by my parents and it was difficult to overcome the rage I felt towards them.
I'm in my thirties now and I'm majoring in psychology in university; it has been a life-changing experience for me. Learning about developmental psychology and gaining a sociological perspective has helped me understand the "why" of how I was raised. I can now recognize that my parents, however flawed their parenting skills were, they were doing the best they could with the information and resources they had available to them at the time.
Learning these things has helped me to forgive them and to give them the opportunity to be the parents that they were not when I was a child. My mother is embracing this new experience, but my father is struggling.
This has been my experience, for better or worse.
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dappled
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wigsplitz
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thisissomuchfun pretty much said what I had to say. I've learned to forgive mine but they still aren't ready to be the kind of parents who would do anything other than damage me.
Forgiveness is easier without constant reminders of what it is you're trying to forgive.
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SoccerStud88
12 years ago
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[Old Memory]
12 years ago
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I forgive u then
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dappled
12 years ago
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Uh oh. What did I do?
Yes, it does.
I lived thousands of kilometers away from them for 7 years. It was good for our relationship too.
cliff notes plz
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[Old Memory]
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Learn to read lazy-pants.
"I can now recognize that my parents, however flawed their parenting skills were, they were doing the best they could with the information and resources they had available to them at the time. "
I've heard similar things before, it's been suggested to me as a way to I guess move on or forgive, and I have to disagree (in my case anyway). I can think of so much stuff my parents did or let happen that shouldn't have happened. They knew it. So how is that doing their best? My parents were unimagineably cruel, abusive in every manner, and they're alcoholics.
Anyway, I have moved on but I can't really explain how. Part of it is that I realized that harboring anger was only hurting me, and much of what happened when I was a kid my parents don't even acknowledge or validate so it wouldn't get anywhere anyway.
--
[Old Memory]
12 years ago
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I was merely relating my own personal experience. I didn't write that it is the same for everyone (or you), so I'm not sure why you have to "disagree" with me.
A few years ago, when my mum was finally conscious after undergoing brain surgery to plug up her aneurysm with platinum thread, she begged for my forgiveness and said she wished she could have done things differently. I forgave her and she has since been a wonderful mother. I'm lucky (she's lucky too) to be given a second chance and I'm not going to turn my back on it. My father still cannot admit that he was wrong, but his childhood was worse than mine, so I forgive him too.
I'm sorry you are unable to forgive yours; and I'm not telling you that you have to.
--
wigsplitz
12 years ago
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I wasn't disagreeing with you personally, I was disagreeing with that advice, as I had said, I had heard it before more than once. It had been suggested to me before, more than once. For me, as I said in my post (in MY case), I disagree with that, and it doesn't make sense. How is someone who is doing a child criminal harm "doing their best"?? That's all.
Not directed towards you at all, I realize you weren't suggesting it to me or anyone as advice, I'm just saying that people HAVE suggested it to me before and it irks me because I don't understand how someone, who knows my situation, could possibly believe that to be true (in MY case). It baffles me that it was even suggested to me.
I simply read your post, and wanted to comment on that part of it and maybe discuss it...but whatever.