Did she actually love me? is it normal i'm confused
I'm 24f and I met one of my best friends at high school. I was 16 and knew her for about 5 years.
We shared a lot of close moments together. I was the one that would keep the friendship going however, as she didn't put as much effort into it especially towards the end. I fell in love with her and loved her ever since day one. She would say things like how she loves me heaps and would hug and squeeze me so tight and we always held on for a long while when hugging. One time we were on the beach with a small group of friends and we were high from having a joint, I was curiously looking into everyone's eyes to notice how different everyone's eye color looked from getting high. When I locked eyes with her, it felt "different " like as if time stood still and we were really seeing each other.
After that moment, I felt she was closer to me, we were walking on the beach and I put my arm over her shoulder and she held my hand. Later that night, I was sleeping on the sofa downstairs and she was on the floor lying next to our other mate. She decided to jump up and cuddle into me, she literally put her hand around me and pulled me in.
I always thought it was all in my head except that time when I reconnected with her after not talking for months due to a fall out, she brang up that day (that moment ) all by herself saying how it was intense, we had a connection, like we interconnected, kind of like romance she had said.
I had always wondered if she felt something too given her comment, years down the track I summoned up enough courage to meet and tell her how I felt all these years. She had moved away aaages ago to another city and I hardly saw her anymore but felt compelled to get this off my chest. Apparently she didn't feel the same and said it wasn't sexual and that we had a spiritual connection.
My main question is- Did she ever even care or love me as a friend/ a person.
Despite once being close, I always felt like she never truly cared because I was the one always making an effort, I tried to maintain the friendship. She would hardly even ask how I was in the end, not even a simple "how are u " text every few weeks. I used to not hear from her in months which I obviously felt awfully upsetting.