Cousin confession

My cousin got married a couple of years ago. Her husband was in my area on a recent business trip, he brought her along, and they invited me to have dinner. (I'm going to try not to name people and places on the off chance somebody I know comes across this confession.) The evening was pretty boring: mostly small talk and mutually feigned interest. But when I see her, I can't help but think about something that happened between her and me about seven years ago. I've never told anyone about this, and she and I have never spoken about it since it happened.

I was attending my grandfather's funeral. He was a few weeks shy of his 100th birthday, so I guess his death shouldn't have come as a surprise. Nonetheless, we were close, so I was having a hard time with it. I'm eight years older than the cousin in question, and I hadn't seen her since I was in college. She was now a 20-year-old college junior. We didn't talk much at the church or gravesite because I was with my family and she was with my uncle's (her father).

It was between 9:00 and 10:00 that night, and I had too much on my mind to sleep, so I decided to go soak in the hotel's hot tub. She showed up about 10 minutes after I'd gotten in the tub. She took off her robe and had on a white bikini underneath. I feel dirty for saying this, but my cousin is hot. At that time, she was a college athlete: 5'11, blonde, tanned and toned legs, not huge boobs but ones nicely proportioned to her body (probably a 34B), and a flat stomach. Again, I hadn't seen her in a while, so I wasn't expecting her to look like she did, and I was starting to feel gross for noticing her in that way.

Neither one of us were in the mood to talk about our grandfather's death, so we talked about other things. I was living in Hawaii at that time, so she was asking me about jobs and whether she should move there after graduation. I said I'd love to have her there. We were laughing and finding excuses to touch each other. It was like we'd met in a bar. But we weren't in a bar. We were in a hotel hot tub, and she's my cousin. I don't even remember what specifically lead up to the actual moment we kissed, but it happened. After a solid couple of minutes of making out, I told her that our families were both there at the hotel, and -- if we didn't want to get caught -- we'd better separate or get a room. I meant that last part as a joke. I didn't think she'd take it seriously.

She said she was sharing a room with her sister but asked if I was alone in mine. I said I was. She said we should go up separately so nobody would see us go in together. I agreed, told her my room number, and handed her my key card. We left about five minutes apart and met up at my room.

I knocked, she let me in, and we started sucking face. She reached into my shorts and started stroking me. I tore her bikini off, and we got into bed. I told her I didn't have a condom and asked her if she wanted me to go across the street and grab some at a convenience store. She said she was on the pill, so it didn't matter. I climbed on top of her, and we started having sex. We kept the lights on, and the whole thing felt pretty spectacular until I was about to climax. Then the reality of what I was doing -- or, I guess I should say, who I was doing -- hit home. Pill or no pill, I didn't want to ejaculate into my cousin. What if something went wrong, and I ended up knocking her up? Awkward! I pulled out and blew my load all over her flat, toned stomach. I expected that to kind of piss her off, but it actually turned her on.

That wasn't the end of it. We spent most of that night either talking, kissing, or having sex. I no longer felt weird about climaxing in her after that first go, so I came right inside her every other time. Our conversation was remarkably candid. We tried out a couple of positions both of us were curious about but hadn't done before. We ended up having sex four times that night and once in the shower the next morning.

I've never been able to admit any of this out loud. I'm conflicted about it. Maybe what happened between my cousin and me was a way for us to deflect our grief. Still, I feel very guilty that it happened at my grandfather's funeral. I kind of feel like it was disrespectful to him, and I also know he'd be creeped out if her knew she and I had sex. On the other hand, part of me is glad it happened. My cousin is model hot and by far the best looking girl I've ever had. I wouldn't call myself ugly, but I am overweight. I have a gut and love handles. Scoring a girl that gorgeous is quite a feat for a guy like me. But I can't exactly tell my buddies -- or, God forbid, my brothers -- about it. She's my cousin, and I'm not going to deny there's somewhat of an ick factor there. I'm not entirely proud of it, but -- at the same time -- I wouldn't wish it away. I can't help but think about it every time I see her. I even thought about it as she was up saying her wedding vows two years ago. And I can't help but wonder if she ever thinks about it too.