Contradictory fantasies, iin?

You really hit that nail on the head. I grew up in an abusive and to some extent, neglectful, environment. Even now, the environment that I live in is still often a very negative one. Growing up to even now as an adult, I have always wished that I could have been adopted. This is one of my most fondest desires. Other fantasies manifested, like being kidnapped and getting "adopted" by my kidnappers and whenever I would get injured, I would wish that it would be serious enough for me to go to the hospital. I often fantasized about running away or calling the authorities but, I never did. I was too scared and in a way, I didn't really know that I was being abused. I knew that something had to have been wrong, but it took until I was an adult and did some research, that I finally realized that I had been abused. Other realizations came into place when I began seeing a therapist.

I don't think that this is much of a problem. I try to not let my fantasizes over run my life. It should be said, that in these fantasizes, I am the type of person that I have always longed to be yet, sadly, I probably never will get to be this person. In that sense, I guess it does consume a large part of my existence.

I assume that it is the fear of the unknown. However, I am looking into spiritual/mystical practices to curb or completely put this fear into submission.

I fantasize about dying yet, I don't really want to die. One one hand, I desire a life threatening mystery illness. While on the other, I am terrified of becoming ill.

The contradiction is that I fantasize about dying even though I don't want to die in this reality.