Constipated one day, regular the next

I think that you may have IBS. The way I see it is that the days when you go multiple times, you are cleaning yourself out. This could be why you can't seem to go the day after.

you might wind up with colon cancer at some point in the future. I would strongly recommend doing castor oil packs. You get castor oil, some white wool flannel, and a heating pad. Put the soaked fabric on the heating pad and then put it on your abdomen for 3 hours (as you watch a movie or whatnot) do it 3 days in a row, and plenty of fluoride free water or organic tea. (nothing pasteurized and no sugars) If you do this, it will clean out your intestines and prevent cancer. *NOTE this is a holistic remedy that a medical doctor won't endorse because of their conflict of interest of people getting cancer.

Monkeys butt hair? Is that some sort of homosexual activity?

It's normal if you like to eat monkey ass shavings

thats really weird.....O.o

Talk to your DR

Sounds like you could be suffering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). Look up the condition using a search engine and see if all the symptoms match yours.