LOL, this comment will be a two-or-more-parter since IIN said "my comment is too long" (story of my life). This, I believe, is definitely worth it, because of how much unnecessary sadness that can be avoided.
As I said in my reply to them, I think the solution offered by ccjigsaw is great for the most part, but part of it has problems that may develop. I used to and still often do have the same problem as the OP, but it's less and less since I tweaked this solution a little bit. I put in all the background on why it didn't work in that reply, but the solution I honed and have been using recently has been much more successful and productive, although it's much more difficult. I imagine over time it will get easier, though, and it is so much more gratifying, for everyone.
This solution of saying "you're right" when I didn't believe it just to escape the conflict didn't work well when it was with someone I cared about. In those cases I was too emotionally involved with them and, deep down, really wanted to have them understand me so we could put the conflict behind us. Instead, I was more critical of those who were closest to me, and less loving on the outside, and I refused to back down. I was stubborn, people walked on eggshells around me, and I lost many friends over time. People tried to get through to me sometimes, but it didn't sink in until years later.
When the time came that I realized I was alone, though I had no idea why (because I *knew* that *I* was a good person), I had to look at my own behavior as perhaps being at least part of what contributed to the negative outcome (hurt feelings, damaged or destroyed relationships). When I started taking myself out of the situation and looking at it from a completely objective POV/from the other person's perspective (making sure I was not adding in what I already "knew" I "meant" at the time, but just concentrating on how it appeared or how they may have taken it). When I did, I finally, finally realized how much I had been hurting people. It finally dawned on me that though I felt they should understand *me* or "know" me, so I didn't have to be as gentle and sweet to them (therefore I treated strangers with much more kindness than my closest friends and significant others), I really should have been considerate of the same from them, and with me knowing myself, I should have taken it easier on them because they were so patient and understanding with me. I also realized that I wasn't always right, and not only that, even when I was, it wasn't worth hurting, shaming, traumatizing or alienating the other person and damaging or destroying our relationship to prove my point. It made me very sad and I realized I had to change my own behavior if I wanted a different result. The worst part of these arguments is that I felt misunderstood and then when they would pull away or leave I would be deeply hurt mainly because I realized I had hurt them, and that was the last thing I ever wanted to do.
So I realized the truth of what ccjigsaw said so succinctly: "Best way to stop a conflict is to think of the situation from either an outside point of view, or the opposing persons point of view."
Conflict resolution any advice?
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LOL, this comment will be a two-or-more-parter since IIN said "my comment is too long" (story of my life). This, I believe, is definitely worth it, because of how much unnecessary sadness that can be avoided.
As I said in my reply to them, I think the solution offered by ccjigsaw is great for the most part, but part of it has problems that may develop. I used to and still often do have the same problem as the OP, but it's less and less since I tweaked this solution a little bit. I put in all the background on why it didn't work in that reply, but the solution I honed and have been using recently has been much more successful and productive, although it's much more difficult. I imagine over time it will get easier, though, and it is so much more gratifying, for everyone.
This solution of saying "you're right" when I didn't believe it just to escape the conflict didn't work well when it was with someone I cared about. In those cases I was too emotionally involved with them and, deep down, really wanted to have them understand me so we could put the conflict behind us. Instead, I was more critical of those who were closest to me, and less loving on the outside, and I refused to back down. I was stubborn, people walked on eggshells around me, and I lost many friends over time. People tried to get through to me sometimes, but it didn't sink in until years later.
When the time came that I realized I was alone, though I had no idea why (because I *knew* that *I* was a good person), I had to look at my own behavior as perhaps being at least part of what contributed to the negative outcome (hurt feelings, damaged or destroyed relationships). When I started taking myself out of the situation and looking at it from a completely objective POV/from the other person's perspective (making sure I was not adding in what I already "knew" I "meant" at the time, but just concentrating on how it appeared or how they may have taken it). When I did, I finally, finally realized how much I had been hurting people. It finally dawned on me that though I felt they should understand *me* or "know" me, so I didn't have to be as gentle and sweet to them (therefore I treated strangers with much more kindness than my closest friends and significant others), I really should have been considerate of the same from them, and with me knowing myself, I should have taken it easier on them because they were so patient and understanding with me. I also realized that I wasn't always right, and not only that, even when I was, it wasn't worth hurting, shaming, traumatizing or alienating the other person and damaging or destroying our relationship to prove my point. It made me very sad and I realized I had to change my own behavior if I wanted a different result. The worst part of these arguments is that I felt misunderstood and then when they would pull away or leave I would be deeply hurt mainly because I realized I had hurt them, and that was the last thing I ever wanted to do.
So I realized the truth of what ccjigsaw said so succinctly: "Best way to stop a conflict is to think of the situation from either an outside point of view, or the opposing persons point of view."
*****TO BE CONTINUED IN PART 2****