Asexual?? (it's long, but interesting and totally worth your time)
I've had guys whom I've missed like crazy when they weren't around; I've had guys whose inner longings, dreams, fears and secrets I've wanted to learn; I've had guys whom I've wanted to spend every moment of the day with. What I felt for them (there have been 3) is what all the movies and overblown romantic novels tell you you should feel when you're "in love" - well, excluding sexual desire, or, to be honest, even basic attraction.
It's not that I never see guys I'm attracted to. I have an extremely narrow type, but once every month of two I'll see a guy who makes the cut. But even then, it never goes further than me thinking to myself "this guy is friggin gorgeous". I have no desire to kiss him, to know what he looks like naked, or to have sex him.
The guys I loved I loved strictly for their personalities, and in all honestly I was content forming extremely close and intense friendships with them. Because of the lack of basic attraction I never wanted to do anything physical (besides perhaps hugging or hand-holding), and thus couldn't take the friendships further (something I sometimes regret).
As for actually doing it: I've had sex once - a one night stand conducted for the sole purpose of losing my virginity before hitting an age where being a virgin would make me feel like a social failure - with a guy I met at a club and whose name I don't know. It was painful. I bled. But even the parts that didn't hurt left me just... Indifferent?
Is my problem that my one sexual experience was sh*tty? Will it be better if I do it with someone I love? And does it then matter whether I find them attractive or not? Or do they need to fulfill both criteria (love AND attraction) for it to have any potential? (which, tbh, leaves me with very few options). Or am I simply ASEXUAL? i.e incapable of enjoying one of the most fundamental parts of what it means to be a living, breathing being? Help! I don't want that to be the case!!