An old bond

I usually don't do stuff like this, seeking confirmation from others (at least on the internet).

Anyway,
So there is this cousin of mine, beautifull girl, knows the world as if she's 300, knows how to enjoy herself and how to prevent stopping other people from having their joy and beats down her own misery like muhammed ali.

She's like 2 - 2 1/2 years older then me, and we always had this, kind of weird bond.
One of my earliest memories is that when she used to leave a party, I would chase after her for a goodbye kiss and all cus I couldnt let here leave otherwise. That was when I was somewhere between 3-5. But as I grew older that was not the case anymore, I just became shyer, and she was wondering what changed it, kinda sad about it too, but I couldnt help it that much.

So eventually I just became older and more shyer but tried to show that I still cared and all.

And when I was 15 (19 now) they finally confirmed I have 'autism' and it was autism that ruined my first 15 years and I started realizing everything I did before, it was/is like some cage of flashbacks, so I started crawling back into my shell, fearing what I am doing wrong each second.

so eventually I started using Copy and Self-reflection, to improve and train over the autism, which is working out great. But now I am getting out of my shell more and more, and more able to show affection etc., but with that also what was with my cousin and me when we were younger, just now while I'm older and more grown up.

So lately I keep thinking about her as what I rather want to be more than just a cousin who visits.
I think somewhere along the line I started to love her in a way, or maybe it was already that way, I dunno.

Lately, I keep putting the aching feeling into fitnessing, cus I know I cant do much about it.
Its like the dead bond is gasping for air again.
The only time is feels right is when she visits, thats the one time we're close again when we greet and kiss (cheek-style ofc.).

But other then that, nothing, it's like that same distancing is still there from the time I started to get shy and all.
sooometimes we do talk a bit, but other than that its usually me nodding for no reason while we're looking at eachother.
I'm not really a talkative guy either, you get wiser by listening.

anyway, how should I deal with this? suck it up or tell her and get it out? I cant decide between the 2. since I've learned myself to leave things be, but at the same time, I feel like I should let her know in some way.

Oh, and rate my crazy if you want.