I can only talk from the girl side, and i have to say: My first time was also HIS first time, and it was frickkin AWFUL. It hurt, he obviously didn't exactly know what he was doing except from porn, the only good thing about the whole thing was that he came quite quickly.
I'd recommend any girl out there to have her first time with someone a bit more experienced. Not experienced as in sleeping around, but with someone that had sex, even if only with one girlfriend, for some time already.
Back to OP: Having your first time together is a romantic ideal, but ulimately, i'd have to say it's "childish" to reduce a person to that. If you are so romantically inclined, you should only consider having sex with a person that you are highly compatible with, that you have feelings for, ultimately, that you could imagine spending your future with. Forgetting about all that perfect fitting-together because she had experience before meeting you is, to me, simply not a very adult way of handling the situation. Don't get this wrong, i understand where you're coming from and it's a widespread thing, but it's still a wrong way imho.
Look at it this way:
If she is honest and tells you she had sex with two guys before meeting you, you can't love her any more, break up and resent her...?
If she lies and tells you she broke her hymen accidently during masturbation(while riding, ...)), you love her, stay with her, adore her...?
Now which of those 2 would you rather have as a long-term partner?
Hmm.
Not sure about that.
My first time (at age 16) wasn't great, but it was his first time too so we were in the same boat - it was a little awkward, but it's 8 years down the line and we're married with two kids so I can't complain!
To be honest, I have a really low sex drive anyway, but I didn't have an orgasm or anything - there was blood (mine) running down his thighs and he was beyond turned on...but it wasn't as bad as I imagined.
Also, horseriding doesn't necessarily break your hymen. I used to ride ponies for about 9 years back in the UK - I don't think my hymen had broken back then.
I don't masturbate, either - so I don't know about that.
Anyway - I 'popped my cherry' to a virgin...he's my hubby now, so I've no regrets!
And i'm happy for you that it worked out so nicely ^_^
But even if the likelyhood of mine and your variant would be just equal, i would, personally, stand by my recommendation...except for romantic idealism or love, there's little reason to "lose" it with another virgin(and if love is the reason, then the experience of the partner shouldn't matter one way or the other).
And even though it may be no better with someone that is experienced(there's never a guarantee), at least the chances it'll be awful go down significantly.
As for the lying scenario, yeah, neither masturbation nor sports nor riding necessarily break it, but all of those reportedly CAN, so a potential partner would have no reason to disbelieve if he was told...
Thank you for sharing your experience in that scenario; I wonder what would've happened in that case. And again, I don't mean to reduce nor belittle anyone; that's why I asked.
It's intersting to hear someone else's view point on two virgins. My boyfriend and I were both virgins when we got together and we were each other's first. We've been together 2 years now and I believe that being each other's first is very nice and comforting. Neither of you has any expectations really. It's all new to you. It is something that we loved about both being virgins. Also we both shared the mutual feelings of fear and excitement. I say don't be afraid to want a girl to be a virgin but don't rule her out.
Loving her less because she had sex before hooking up with you _IS_ belittling her and your mutual feelings.
That is not strange by itself, having a partner more experienced than oneself is often evokes weird feelings in people.
I was merely saying giving in to this feeling is what a child would do. It's not unlike seeing another child with a toy you want and getting a chance to grab it. As mature person, you should stand ABOVE those things, and love her for who SHE is, and have sexual intercourse for what CONNECTS you, and not because of a romantic ideal of being virgins together.
Also, as tommy implied, 2 unexperienced people more likely than not make for 1 awkward experience.
You may think as you please, but i have never claimed it's "right or wrong".
Merely that since sexuality still remains a somewhat taboo topic in open society, we learn little about the social rules that apply.
We don't "grow up" in a sexual way, because before those first experiences, probably all we knew was from porn, awkward talks with parents, sex ed, or speculation from friends.
All i said, and i stand by that, was that refusing to be with a person you feel for on grounds that you are not the FIRST person they are with, is similar to childlike behaviour about toys. When it comes to physical objects we can own, we LEARN to restrain ourself, to contain envy or jealousy and not let that affect our decision-making overly much.
When it comes to sharing intimate bonds with other people, we jump from childhood to adulthood pretty quickly.
I maintain the argumentation he uses as reasoning for possibly not wanting her is "childish". It's not wrong, i even said it's widely spread.
But taking a moment to think about it, there's absolutely no reason it should take precedence over emotional reasoning(you want to be with that person, you feel for that person, you have an emotional bond with this person that you want to intensify) or logical reasoning(there is no logical reason to refuse a partner on account of the partner having more experience...the opposite is true: more experienced partners will allow it to be more fun and possibly teach you things instead of having you find out by trial and error).
Am I wrong for wanting a virgin for my first time?
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I can only talk from the girl side, and i have to say: My first time was also HIS first time, and it was frickkin AWFUL. It hurt, he obviously didn't exactly know what he was doing except from porn, the only good thing about the whole thing was that he came quite quickly.
I'd recommend any girl out there to have her first time with someone a bit more experienced. Not experienced as in sleeping around, but with someone that had sex, even if only with one girlfriend, for some time already.
Back to OP: Having your first time together is a romantic ideal, but ulimately, i'd have to say it's "childish" to reduce a person to that. If you are so romantically inclined, you should only consider having sex with a person that you are highly compatible with, that you have feelings for, ultimately, that you could imagine spending your future with. Forgetting about all that perfect fitting-together because she had experience before meeting you is, to me, simply not a very adult way of handling the situation. Don't get this wrong, i understand where you're coming from and it's a widespread thing, but it's still a wrong way imho.
Look at it this way:
If she is honest and tells you she had sex with two guys before meeting you, you can't love her any more, break up and resent her...?
If she lies and tells you she broke her hymen accidently during masturbation(while riding, ...)), you love her, stay with her, adore her...?
Now which of those 2 would you rather have as a long-term partner?
--
*~ThePurplePixie~*
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Amistrangeornuts
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Hmm.
Not sure about that.
My first time (at age 16) wasn't great, but it was his first time too so we were in the same boat - it was a little awkward, but it's 8 years down the line and we're married with two kids so I can't complain!
To be honest, I have a really low sex drive anyway, but I didn't have an orgasm or anything - there was blood (mine) running down his thighs and he was beyond turned on...but it wasn't as bad as I imagined.
Also, horseriding doesn't necessarily break your hymen. I used to ride ponies for about 9 years back in the UK - I don't think my hymen had broken back then.
I don't masturbate, either - so I don't know about that.
Anyway - I 'popped my cherry' to a virgin...he's my hubby now, so I've no regrets!
xx
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TerryVie
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And i'm happy for you that it worked out so nicely ^_^
But even if the likelyhood of mine and your variant would be just equal, i would, personally, stand by my recommendation...except for romantic idealism or love, there's little reason to "lose" it with another virgin(and if love is the reason, then the experience of the partner shouldn't matter one way or the other).
And even though it may be no better with someone that is experienced(there's never a guarantee), at least the chances it'll be awful go down significantly.
As for the lying scenario, yeah, neither masturbation nor sports nor riding necessarily break it, but all of those reportedly CAN, so a potential partner would have no reason to disbelieve if he was told...
But again, glad it worked out great for you-
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*~ThePurplePixie~*
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Thanks!
Great reply by the way! Seriously, you're like the foundation of this site!! :)
xx
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TerryVie
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haha, thanks ^_^
but i'm sure some people would disagree with a vengeance...
and, great post you made in the first place ;)
xx
Good answer, man. I think you said it perfectly :)
I can't be with someone that lies to me. I wonder what every one else thinks.
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TerryVie
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yep, but the basic idea is that you never know in this scenario.
Only, yes, she lied, while the other person was truthful with you.
With OP's argumentation, you would refuse the person telling the truth and end up with the lier.
Thank you for sharing your experience in that scenario; I wonder what would've happened in that case. And again, I don't mean to reduce nor belittle anyone; that's why I asked.
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It's intersting to hear someone else's view point on two virgins. My boyfriend and I were both virgins when we got together and we were each other's first. We've been together 2 years now and I believe that being each other's first is very nice and comforting. Neither of you has any expectations really. It's all new to you. It is something that we loved about both being virgins. Also we both shared the mutual feelings of fear and excitement. I say don't be afraid to want a girl to be a virgin but don't rule her out.
Don't excuse yourself if you don't mean it.
Loving her less because she had sex before hooking up with you _IS_ belittling her and your mutual feelings.
That is not strange by itself, having a partner more experienced than oneself is often evokes weird feelings in people.
I was merely saying giving in to this feeling is what a child would do. It's not unlike seeing another child with a toy you want and getting a chance to grab it. As mature person, you should stand ABOVE those things, and love her for who SHE is, and have sexual intercourse for what CONNECTS you, and not because of a romantic ideal of being virgins together.
Also, as tommy implied, 2 unexperienced people more likely than not make for 1 awkward experience.
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Peptox
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I think it's just up to him and it's a matter of opinion not right or wrong.
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TerryVie
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You may think as you please, but i have never claimed it's "right or wrong".
Merely that since sexuality still remains a somewhat taboo topic in open society, we learn little about the social rules that apply.
We don't "grow up" in a sexual way, because before those first experiences, probably all we knew was from porn, awkward talks with parents, sex ed, or speculation from friends.
All i said, and i stand by that, was that refusing to be with a person you feel for on grounds that you are not the FIRST person they are with, is similar to childlike behaviour about toys. When it comes to physical objects we can own, we LEARN to restrain ourself, to contain envy or jealousy and not let that affect our decision-making overly much.
When it comes to sharing intimate bonds with other people, we jump from childhood to adulthood pretty quickly.
I maintain the argumentation he uses as reasoning for possibly not wanting her is "childish". It's not wrong, i even said it's widely spread.
But taking a moment to think about it, there's absolutely no reason it should take precedence over emotional reasoning(you want to be with that person, you feel for that person, you have an emotional bond with this person that you want to intensify) or logical reasoning(there is no logical reason to refuse a partner on account of the partner having more experience...the opposite is true: more experienced partners will allow it to be more fun and possibly teach you things instead of having you find out by trial and error).