Am i wrong for wanting a virgin for my first time?

59 Comments

I've wondered if I'm wrong in wanting to be someone's first so their first would be mine as well. I'm not sexist, but I don't want to go where another man's been. And I'm guessing that my low selfesteem issues arise when I feel deprived of my identity or desire. In other words, I feel less of a man because I couldn't inspire the same awe as she felt for her first. I don't know if it's a childish selfishness or fear of failure.

Yes; if she's willing, do it 96
No, you should be her first, like she's yours 120
Look inward and ask, "Do I love her enough to look past it?" 155
No, you can't help how you feel 72
Help us keep this site organized and clean. Thanks!
[ Report Post ]
Comments ( 59 )
  • TerryVie
    11 years ago

    I can only talk from the girl side, and i have to say: My first time was also HIS first time, and it was frickkin AWFUL. It hurt, he obviously didn't exactly know what he was doing except from porn, the only good thing about the whole thing was that he came quite quickly.

    I'd recommend any girl out there to have her first time with someone a bit more experienced. Not experienced as in sleeping around, but with someone that had sex, even if only with one girlfriend, for some time already.

    Back to OP: Having your first time together is a romantic ideal, but ulimately, i'd have to say it's "childish" to reduce a person to that. If you are so romantically inclined, you should only consider having sex with a person that you are highly compatible with, that you have feelings for, ultimately, that you could imagine spending your future with. Forgetting about all that perfect fitting-together because she had experience before meeting you is, to me, simply not a very adult way of handling the situation. Don't get this wrong, i understand where you're coming from and it's a widespread thing, but it's still a wrong way imho.

    Look at it this way:
    If she is honest and tells you she had sex with two guys before meeting you, you can't love her any more, break up and resent her...?
    If she lies and tells you she broke her hymen accidently during masturbation(while riding, ...)), you love her, stay with her, adore her...?

    Now which of those 2 would you rather have as a long-term partner?

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    5
    5
      -
    • *~ThePurplePixie~*
      11 years ago

      Hmm.
      Not sure about that.
      My first time (at age 16) wasn't great, but it was his first time too so we were in the same boat - it was a little awkward, but it's 8 years down the line and we're married with two kids so I can't complain!
      To be honest, I have a really low sex drive anyway, but I didn't have an orgasm or anything - there was blood (mine) running down his thighs and he was beyond turned on...but it wasn't as bad as I imagined.

      Also, horseriding doesn't necessarily break your hymen. I used to ride ponies for about 9 years back in the UK - I don't think my hymen had broken back then.
      I don't masturbate, either - so I don't know about that.

      Anyway - I 'popped my cherry' to a virgin...he's my hubby now, so I've no regrets!

      xx

      Comment Hidden ( show )
      0
      0
        -
      • TerryVie
        11 years ago

        And i'm happy for you that it worked out so nicely ^_^

        But even if the likelyhood of mine and your variant would be just equal, i would, personally, stand by my recommendation...except for romantic idealism or love, there's little reason to "lose" it with another virgin(and if love is the reason, then the experience of the partner shouldn't matter one way or the other).

        And even though it may be no better with someone that is experienced(there's never a guarantee), at least the chances it'll be awful go down significantly.

        As for the lying scenario, yeah, neither masturbation nor sports nor riding necessarily break it, but all of those reportedly CAN, so a potential partner would have no reason to disbelieve if he was told...

        But again, glad it worked out great for you-

        Comment Hidden ( show )
        0
        0
          -
        • *~ThePurplePixie~*
          11 years ago

          Thanks!
          Great reply by the way! Seriously, you're like the foundation of this site!! :)

          xx

          Comment Hidden ( show )
          0
          0
            -
          • TerryVie
            11 years ago

            haha, thanks ^_^
            but i'm sure some people would disagree with a vengeance...

            and, great post you made in the first place ;)
            xx

            Comment Hidden ( show )
            0
            0
    • Lynxikat
      11 years ago

      Good answer, man. I think you said it perfectly :)

      Comment Hidden ( show )
      0
      0
    • Peptox
      11 years ago

      I can't be with someone that lies to me. I wonder what every one else thinks.

      Comment Hidden ( show )
      0
      0
        -
      • TerryVie
        11 years ago

        yep, but the basic idea is that you never know in this scenario.
        Only, yes, she lied, while the other person was truthful with you.

        With OP's argumentation, you would refuse the person telling the truth and end up with the lier.

        Comment Hidden ( show )
        0
        0
    • Amistrangeornuts
      11 years ago

      Thank you for sharing your experience in that scenario; I wonder what would've happened in that case. And again, I don't mean to reduce nor belittle anyone; that's why I asked.

      Comment Hidden ( show )
      0
      0
        -
      • fossil_dogs
        11 years ago

        It's intersting to hear someone else's view point on two virgins. My boyfriend and I were both virgins when we got together and we were each other's first. We've been together 2 years now and I believe that being each other's first is very nice and comforting. Neither of you has any expectations really. It's all new to you. It is something that we loved about both being virgins. Also we both shared the mutual feelings of fear and excitement. I say don't be afraid to want a girl to be a virgin but don't rule her out.

        Comment Hidden ( show )
        0
        0
      • TerryVie
        11 years ago

        Don't excuse yourself if you don't mean it.

        Loving her less because she had sex before hooking up with you _IS_ belittling her and your mutual feelings.

        That is not strange by itself, having a partner more experienced than oneself is often evokes weird feelings in people.

        I was merely saying giving in to this feeling is what a child would do. It's not unlike seeing another child with a toy you want and getting a chance to grab it. As mature person, you should stand ABOVE those things, and love her for who SHE is, and have sexual intercourse for what CONNECTS you, and not because of a romantic ideal of being virgins together.

        Also, as tommy implied, 2 unexperienced people more likely than not make for 1 awkward experience.

        Comment Hidden ( show )
        -2
        -2
          -
        • Peptox
          11 years ago

          I think it's just up to him and it's a matter of opinion not right or wrong.

          Comment Hidden ( show )
          0
          0
            -
          • TerryVie
            11 years ago

            You may think as you please, but i have never claimed it's "right or wrong".

            Merely that since sexuality still remains a somewhat taboo topic in open society, we learn little about the social rules that apply.

            We don't "grow up" in a sexual way, because before those first experiences, probably all we knew was from porn, awkward talks with parents, sex ed, or speculation from friends.

            All i said, and i stand by that, was that refusing to be with a person you feel for on grounds that you are not the FIRST person they are with, is similar to childlike behaviour about toys. When it comes to physical objects we can own, we LEARN to restrain ourself, to contain envy or jealousy and not let that affect our decision-making overly much.
            When it comes to sharing intimate bonds with other people, we jump from childhood to adulthood pretty quickly.

            I maintain the argumentation he uses as reasoning for possibly not wanting her is "childish". It's not wrong, i even said it's widely spread.

            But taking a moment to think about it, there's absolutely no reason it should take precedence over emotional reasoning(you want to be with that person, you feel for that person, you have an emotional bond with this person that you want to intensify) or logical reasoning(there is no logical reason to refuse a partner on account of the partner having more experience...the opposite is true: more experienced partners will allow it to be more fun and possibly teach you things instead of having you find out by trial and error).

            Comment Hidden ( show )
            0
            0
  • Angel_in_a_Glass_Dress
    11 years ago

    "In other words, I feel less of a man because I couldn't inspire the same awe as she felt for her first."

    That may be a good thing you know. My first was very painful.

    However I'd suggest basing your choice to have sex on the woman herself and not whether or not she's a virgin. It may turn out that way but... virgin or not, what will really matter is how much you love her.

    When it's the right person the past doesn't matter really.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    3
    3
  • VioletTrees
    11 years ago

    I think you have some misconceptions about women and sex. Many women don't feel "awe" the first time they have sex. There's nothing inherently magical or touching about losing your virginity, and having had sex in the past does NOT cheapen future sex. We women rarely orgasm the first time we have sex, and a lot of women have bad or so-so first times. Having more sexual experience makes it easier for us to orgasm, and often makes the sexual encounter better for everybody involved. A woman who knows her body will be able to teach you how to make her feel good.

    Also, I'm not saying that YOU are sexist, but I think the whole notion of not wanting "to go where another man's been" is rooted in sexist notions of female purity. Having sex doesn't leave a taint on a woman or anything, and I don't think you'd be likely to hear a woman say that she doesn't want to go where another woman's been. I sympathise with your insecurity, but I don't think it's appropriate to insist that your girlfriend be a virgin. If the woman is reasonable, she'll understand that it's your first time, and she's not going to resent you for not knowing what you're doing. You have the right, of course, to choose whether or not to have sex with somebody, but I'm a bit torn, because telling a girl you don't want to have sex with her because she's not a virgin seems like a really awful thing to do.

    Anyway, it's your choice, but I really think you should try to get over this insecurity. Our society places way too much value on women's virginity, and it can be really damaging to women.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    2
    2
      -
    • veggie86
      11 years ago

      This post is amazing. Perfect!

      Comment Hidden ( show )
      1
      1
        -
      • VioletTrees
        11 years ago

        Thanks! I try.

        Comment Hidden ( show )
        0
        0
  • flutterhigh
    11 years ago

    I wanted a virgin for my first ritual blood sacrifice, too. Unfortunately I had to go with a hooker, but hopefully Satan doesn't mind.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    2
    2
  • Captain_Kegstand
    11 years ago

    I lost my V card to a virgin. It was a good experience, and I knew it was as special to her as it was to me, so you are normal.

    That being said, in all honesty, I played with her clit for a good ten minutes before I found out where the hole was located! Why would God put a playground down there by a waste treatment facility! Seriously though, if you are both virgins, then neither of you know what is going on, expect awkwardness!

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    2
    2
  • NotFloydzie
    11 years ago

    I don't think it's childish nor sexist. It does make sense if it's your first time. Although I recommend you to do it with someone who knows what they're doing but everyone is different. I think you're normal, and perhaps you should start looking for your lady before it's too late.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    2
    2
  • kitkat_1
    11 years ago

    To be honest, speaking from personal experience, sex never gets less amazing just because you've done it before, and I never felt like the guy/girl I had sex with before had anything to do with the guy/girl I was now having sex with, and vice versa, whatever person they had sex with before me has nothing to do with me. I say, who cares, they want YOU at that moment, no one else.

    Plus, I think its better when you do it with someone who has experience. Maybe its your scared you won't do better than whoever came before you? (no pun intended)

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    1
    1
  • [Old Memory]
    11 years ago

    So you can both be equally crap at sex? Good idea.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    1
    1
      -
    • Amistrangeornuts
      11 years ago

      I'm not sure I understand your question.

      Comment Hidden ( show )
      0
      0
        -
      • [Old Memory]
        11 years ago

        Because when you first start having sex you suck at it soooo bad.....this way they can both suck together. I would think it was obvious...derrrrrrp.

        Comment Hidden ( show )
        0
        0
          -
        • Amistrangeornuts
          11 years ago

          I'm sorry I was under the assumption that we would talk like mature adults. Silly me. If you're going to give advice or ask a question, be clear. If English isn't your primary language, I fully apologize. If English is your primary language, use proper grammar.

          Comment Hidden ( show )
          0
          0
            -
          • [Old Memory]
            11 years ago

            Proper grammar is not for the internet, it's for things that matter. You're a virgin, dont talk to me about mature. You aren't even in grown up land yet. And so.....

            My comment was to imply that if you were both virgins it would save you the awkwardness of looking foolish infront of the other person. It's a common fear for some when they loose their virginity, and as such a valid comment. But you already knew this didn't you?

            Comment Hidden ( show )
            -1
            -1
              -
            • Amistrangeornuts
              11 years ago

              You're the one insulting me; I simply asked you to clarify your question or statement. From what I understand, this site was was intended to help those with questions. And because I haven't had sex, that makes me immature? If you want to give your input in a constructive way, by all means do so. If you're just going to comment just to waste time and insult, please leave my page.

              Comment Hidden ( show )
              0
              0
  • davesumba
    11 years ago

    wanting to be someone's first and someone's last may seem all good and well, but it isn't viable or realistic.
    1. as dad said, you most likely aren't going to find a virgin over 20.
    2. even if you did find a virgin for your first girlfriend, you two most likely aren't going to be together for the rest of your lives or even a couple years and once you break up, you're going to be stuck with your un-virgin self and you can't have the expectation of your s/o to be a virgin when you yourself are not.
    3. people get into relationships, have sex, and break up and then repeat the process. it's life and it's learning. with your attitude it seems like you think you are going to marry the first person you date/ have sex with and that's not the case, and it shouldn't be. you need to see what kind of girls are out there, what you like, what you don't like and can't stand. and it teaches you what it means to be a good significant other

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    0
    0
  • Dad
    11 years ago

    Every guy wants a virgin. Don't you speak to guys?

    But sadly they placed laws on under age sex.
    Good luck with finding one over 21, unless something is wrong with her? I'm sure you could find a fat ugly chick with mental issues that may be a virgin
    Oh also churchy girl (falling into the same category as above)

    As for women who want a virgin MAN. Are you mad? I take it that you don't want your first time with him to be very satisfying!

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    -2
    -2
      -
    • shade_ilmaendu
      11 years ago

      If you're a troll, you have the weirdest troll name ever. Just sayin. XD

      Comment Hidden ( show )
      1
      1
        -
      • davesumba
        11 years ago

        i'd say Dad isn't a troll, he always has good, helpful information for people. and he is 100% accurate in his comment. It's going to be near impossible to find a virgin over 20 these days unless they meet the above mentioned criteria.

        Comment Hidden ( show )
        0
        0
          -
        • shade_ilmaendu
          11 years ago

          I've talked to him before and agree, then again there are people who troll occasionally. :P Just funny to imagine a dad trolling.

          This comment did come across as a little harsh though. :x I mean to a large extent I guess he's right, not necessarily the nicest way he could have said it.

          Comment Hidden ( show )
          0
          0
            -
          • Dad
            11 years ago

            I'll agree with that.
            I have been told I'm a tad tactless MOST of my life!
            But its not intended to be on a personal level.
            I don't know any of you really, its all about the topic and opinions, nothing more.

            Comment Hidden ( show )
            0
            0
    • Brawnyboy
      11 years ago

      Dad I love you but I'm slightly offended that you lumped mental women and church girls in the same catagory. I lost a little respect for you pop when you said that. Never expected my old man to say those words.

      Comment Hidden ( show )
      0
      0
        -
      • Dad
        11 years ago

        Its an awakening.
        Not everyone is ready, yet.

        Comment Hidden ( show )
        0
        0
  • Mason334
    11 years ago

    I just think its creapy to think my 12 year old gfs not a virjin ps I'm 12 so I'm not a pervert

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    0
    0
  • Mason334
    11 years ago

    It wouldn't fell right to know someone's plugged the hole to say

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    0
    0
  • 011assasin
    11 years ago

    It actually makes sense. you can put it together like this, You might be nervous about your performance and you want someone who hasn't had the experience. People want someone to relate to especially in something as sensitive as sexual relationships. I would see myself having sex with somebody less experienced then I would someone who's constantly whoring themselves around.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    0
    0
  • veggie86
    11 years ago

    Coming from someone older and wiser, it really doesn't matter. I would focus less on virginity and more on compatibility. Having sex with a virgin isn't "better," if anything it's less exciting.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    0
    0
  • fletcherkydude
    11 years ago

    ...... fear of failure.....

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    0
    0
  • aminormal321
    11 years ago

    If you love her than it won't matter

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    0
    0
  • blaster
    11 years ago

    Yeah it doesn't matter , if they have who cares , better sex anyway but if they haven't then there's other , now this'll sound daggy but beautiful things about that to so- whatever.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    0
    0
  • zackattack
    11 years ago

    Well I'm a guy and I don't like the idea of having sex with a virgin? There's too much blood and pain, and I don't want to hurt her. Then again she won't be able to judge you, and you'll suck your first time so I see your point.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    -1
    -1
      -
    • veggie86
      11 years ago

      Most women don't bleed their first time. It doesn't hurt for every girl either.

      Comment Hidden ( show )
      0
      0