I've read through everyone's comments, and I appreciate all various points of view. I must admit that I am more than likely now leaning toward going in my own direction. After giving my situation a good hard think through, and then reading these replies, sometimes the obvious is just too obvious.
You've probably made your decisions long ago and I don't think you should regret anything, but I had some ideas maybe the rest of community could hear as alternative explanations? I could be horrendously wrong but I think it's worth a shot, if only to clarify my own thinking.
1. If she has been in the military she's probably very disciplined and has difficulty with emotional attachment. It's a stereotype but the training has something to do with it. Military people value independence, self discipline AND team work.
2. I'm guessing the ex got the car and when she was in military she used a 'company car'.
3. I've known several single parents who didn't bother with child support simply because their ex was a complete tool and they'd rather save their emotional energy for the kids. Besides, what kind of a parent doesn't volunteer to support their kids, even if it's $2 a month, it's still a symbolic gesture of "I give a shit about your welfare"?
4. Have you ever tried to get stable work when you're a single parent? Sounds like she's playing it safe. Would rather live cheap and love her kid than work all the time for what is essentially no money and still not see the kid
5. So the friend is paying for the trip or maybe she's been saving for a long time or both. Also, when you've just left a dodgy relationship and are broke, after awhile you learn to accept charity even if you're Ms Independent. It beats starving/going mad.
6. Yes, it would have been nice. I can only think of an alternative where she's offered other people or tried on her own and everyone just got insulted and insisted on paying. Learning to accept charity once again. Or, she could be a scab. Maybe both.
7. It's pretty easy for lonely people to get over excited by positive social contact. Then plans get made. Desperation leads to disproportionate decision making. I hope neither of you moved in together because in both cases it would have been too soon.
8. Exactly - she probably left a tool who treated her bad and had to learn to accept charity from others. Or she could be a selfish person and he left her. Or something else. At the end of the day you can see a link between how she acts and what she's been through. Perhaps through other people she could learn better habits.
9. Sounds like you've had your own share of nasty exs. This could be a source of mutual empathy with her or it could be a source of replication for the problems you've both had in previous relationships. If you want to run (and did) it would probably be because you're not ready to deal with your own wounds - and are worried she would have reopened them. Work on those - and if you're still friends with her (I hope you are!) encourage her to do the same. If later on you're both ready to be in a relationship together, that's great, if not, at least you'll have healed yourself.
Hi Lola. Thank you for your comments. I agree with someo of your comments, you make good points nonetheless. I did end this relationship back in November and have dated since.
I've learned one very important fact. It doesn't matter what situation in life someone is facing. What matters is their attitude and way they deal with it. If that person feels unempowered and is generally not happy with life in general, there's probably going to be quite a bit of luggage to deal with. If that person is dealing with life in a healthy manner, than one should not be judged as "relatoinship worthiness".
Each of us is responsible for our personal energy and attitude.
Am I wrong??
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I've read through everyone's comments, and I appreciate all various points of view. I must admit that I am more than likely now leaning toward going in my own direction. After giving my situation a good hard think through, and then reading these replies, sometimes the obvious is just too obvious.
Thank you to everyone who responded to my post.
--
lola27
12 years ago
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You've probably made your decisions long ago and I don't think you should regret anything, but I had some ideas maybe the rest of community could hear as alternative explanations? I could be horrendously wrong but I think it's worth a shot, if only to clarify my own thinking.
1. If she has been in the military she's probably very disciplined and has difficulty with emotional attachment. It's a stereotype but the training has something to do with it. Military people value independence, self discipline AND team work.
2. I'm guessing the ex got the car and when she was in military she used a 'company car'.
3. I've known several single parents who didn't bother with child support simply because their ex was a complete tool and they'd rather save their emotional energy for the kids. Besides, what kind of a parent doesn't volunteer to support their kids, even if it's $2 a month, it's still a symbolic gesture of "I give a shit about your welfare"?
4. Have you ever tried to get stable work when you're a single parent? Sounds like she's playing it safe. Would rather live cheap and love her kid than work all the time for what is essentially no money and still not see the kid
5. So the friend is paying for the trip or maybe she's been saving for a long time or both. Also, when you've just left a dodgy relationship and are broke, after awhile you learn to accept charity even if you're Ms Independent. It beats starving/going mad.
6. Yes, it would have been nice. I can only think of an alternative where she's offered other people or tried on her own and everyone just got insulted and insisted on paying. Learning to accept charity once again. Or, she could be a scab. Maybe both.
7. It's pretty easy for lonely people to get over excited by positive social contact. Then plans get made. Desperation leads to disproportionate decision making. I hope neither of you moved in together because in both cases it would have been too soon.
8. Exactly - she probably left a tool who treated her bad and had to learn to accept charity from others. Or she could be a selfish person and he left her. Or something else. At the end of the day you can see a link between how she acts and what she's been through. Perhaps through other people she could learn better habits.
9. Sounds like you've had your own share of nasty exs. This could be a source of mutual empathy with her or it could be a source of replication for the problems you've both had in previous relationships. If you want to run (and did) it would probably be because you're not ready to deal with your own wounds - and are worried she would have reopened them. Work on those - and if you're still friends with her (I hope you are!) encourage her to do the same. If later on you're both ready to be in a relationship together, that's great, if not, at least you'll have healed yourself.
--
Tekhed
12 years ago
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Hi Lola. Thank you for your comments. I agree with someo of your comments, you make good points nonetheless. I did end this relationship back in November and have dated since.
I've learned one very important fact. It doesn't matter what situation in life someone is facing. What matters is their attitude and way they deal with it. If that person feels unempowered and is generally not happy with life in general, there's probably going to be quite a bit of luggage to deal with. If that person is dealing with life in a healthy manner, than one should not be judged as "relatoinship worthiness".
Each of us is responsible for our personal energy and attitude.
Thanks for your comment. Have a good day.