Am i wrong??

37% Normal
21 Comments

Okay, so I’ve been talking to this girl for about 7 months now. We knew each other years ago…but I was dating someone else and she was married. Fast forward 2.5 years, I’m single and she’s divorced with a child. No problem so far.

So 7 months ago she hits me up on Face book and we hit it off. I a couple states away, so we weren’t trying to move things too fast. By June we began talking on the phone every single day and even up to 15 hours on some weekends. Finally I offer to fly here to where I live (no problem, I wanted to show how serious I am).

So she gets out here, we had a great time and the day before she goes home she says, “I’d like to come back.” I ask when, and she comments, “ASAP.” Of course I’m elated by this, but then a series of thoughts start to fly through my head:

1. She does not have a job…but she does receive benefits from having been in the military, so she’s able to attend technical training everyday for 3-hours and pay rent/food (minimal)

2. She doesn’t have a car
3. She claims that she has no money…but she’s also not pursuing the father for child support
4. She doesn’t want to work as this allows her time with her child (I understand this), but then this sort of contradicts her complaining about not having much money, not having a car…this is called life. There are plenty of hardworking single parents would love to spend 21 hrs with their kids…but working also helps provide.

5. She still manages to scrape up enough to go to San Francisco and speaks about going to Las Vegas to hang out with a friend there in the near future (maybe the friend is paying).

6. While she was here I didn’t expect her to really pay for anything since I invited her out. I ended up spending close to $400 on the airfare, gas, and food to show her a great time. I don’t regret this, but it would have been nice if she offered to buy coffee one time. I have the money, but that’s not really the point here.

7. She’s thinking about moving out “here”…but how does this happen when she doesn’t have a car…or a job lined up??? I can easily support myself, but suddenly taking on her and her child would severely hamper my discretionary income…hence “struggle”.

8. Lastly, my guy gut is telling
me while there may be some genuine feelings here, she’s picked up some bad habits since her divorce…she use to be a little more equitable…even if that just meant offering for coffee.

9. My instinct says to run. I’m in my 30’s…been married before, dated a ton, but sort of went into reclusion due to not really enjoying the dating game. Like I mentioned, I knew her before, and her life was nothing like this. She still has a cool personality, but now there’s a new twist on it and it doesn’t feel very good.

10. Thoughts on this???

Thanks

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37% Normal
Based on 52 votes (19 yes)
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Comments ( 21 )
  • Kilt
    13 years ago

    You sound like a good guy and obviously want a good relationship. Trust your gut and test the waters abit about any reciprocation when it comes to money. But I think you really know what you want to do in this situation already! Good luck in your quest for love!

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  • stealinsugars
    13 years ago

    If it doesn't feel good (it sure doesn't sound good), trust your instincts and run like hell!

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  • mysti446
    13 years ago

    Pay attention to your instincts! The worse thing you can do is question your own judgement. From what I can tell it sounds like she wants to be taken care of.. Its disturbing how fast one can get into that "entitlement" attitude. Run, dont walk, in the opposite direction! Leave her alone to get a job and take care of herself, or fall flat on her face.. Either way its the best in the long run all the way around!

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  • Tekhed
    13 years ago

    I've read through everyone's comments, and I appreciate all various points of view. I must admit that I am more than likely now leaning toward going in my own direction. After giving my situation a good hard think through, and then reading these replies, sometimes the obvious is just too obvious.

    Thank you to everyone who responded to my post.

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    • lola27
      13 years ago

      You've probably made your decisions long ago and I don't think you should regret anything, but I had some ideas maybe the rest of community could hear as alternative explanations? I could be horrendously wrong but I think it's worth a shot, if only to clarify my own thinking.

      1. If she has been in the military she's probably very disciplined and has difficulty with emotional attachment. It's a stereotype but the training has something to do with it. Military people value independence, self discipline AND team work.

      2. I'm guessing the ex got the car and when she was in military she used a 'company car'.

      3. I've known several single parents who didn't bother with child support simply because their ex was a complete tool and they'd rather save their emotional energy for the kids. Besides, what kind of a parent doesn't volunteer to support their kids, even if it's $2 a month, it's still a symbolic gesture of "I give a shit about your welfare"?

      4. Have you ever tried to get stable work when you're a single parent? Sounds like she's playing it safe. Would rather live cheap and love her kid than work all the time for what is essentially no money and still not see the kid

      5. So the friend is paying for the trip or maybe she's been saving for a long time or both. Also, when you've just left a dodgy relationship and are broke, after awhile you learn to accept charity even if you're Ms Independent. It beats starving/going mad.

      6. Yes, it would have been nice. I can only think of an alternative where she's offered other people or tried on her own and everyone just got insulted and insisted on paying. Learning to accept charity once again. Or, she could be a scab. Maybe both.

      7. It's pretty easy for lonely people to get over excited by positive social contact. Then plans get made. Desperation leads to disproportionate decision making. I hope neither of you moved in together because in both cases it would have been too soon.

      8. Exactly - she probably left a tool who treated her bad and had to learn to accept charity from others. Or she could be a selfish person and he left her. Or something else. At the end of the day you can see a link between how she acts and what she's been through. Perhaps through other people she could learn better habits.

      9. Sounds like you've had your own share of nasty exs. This could be a source of mutual empathy with her or it could be a source of replication for the problems you've both had in previous relationships. If you want to run (and did) it would probably be because you're not ready to deal with your own wounds - and are worried she would have reopened them. Work on those - and if you're still friends with her (I hope you are!) encourage her to do the same. If later on you're both ready to be in a relationship together, that's great, if not, at least you'll have healed yourself.

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      • Tekhed
        13 years ago

        Hi Lola. Thank you for your comments. I agree with someo of your comments, you make good points nonetheless. I did end this relationship back in November and have dated since.

        I've learned one very important fact. It doesn't matter what situation in life someone is facing. What matters is their attitude and way they deal with it. If that person feels unempowered and is generally not happy with life in general, there's probably going to be quite a bit of luggage to deal with. If that person is dealing with life in a healthy manner, than one should not be judged as "relatoinship worthiness".

        Each of us is responsible for our personal energy and attitude.

        Thanks for your comment. Have a good day.

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  • [Old Memory]
    13 years ago

    i'd dump her. if you already have so much worries, it will get worse

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  • Jackass_95
    13 years ago

    Well, I wouldn't dump her. She's been in the military :/

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    • Tekhed
      13 years ago

      Yes, thank you. I'm in the military and had just got back from Afghanistan when I posted this. I go back in less than a year (it's my job, so I'm more than willing). Being or having been in the military is not a reason to be nasty to others.

      I ended the relationship back in November.

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  • stomp.com.sg
    13 years ago

    Wow why the long talk. The answer is simply no. Sheesh get to the point lol

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  • SassyFrassyLassie_old
    13 years ago

    Maybe you are more concerned that things are moving too fast - not so much that she is currently broke due to being a divorced single mother.

    You guys "know" each other from your pasts, and you've talked on the phone plenty, but you've only spent one weekend getting to know each other face-to-face. It's natural that she'd consider the possibilities of a future relationship with you and the fact that you two live in different cities and someone would have to eventually move - those are things that a mother would automatically start to ponder right from the beginning. Are you worth getting involved with, if you live so far away? Could she see herself living with you? Would you be someone she could trust with her child? Most women don't express those type of thoughts so early into a relationship, but considering her situation, it seems only natural.

    Her wanting to go against the norm and actually spend more time with her child, as opposed to working to pay someone else to take care of it, is commendable and should NEVER be considered lazy.

    She may not be living the ideal life right now, but that shouldn't deter you from following your heart. She was your guest and she's broke - you shouldn't have expected her to pay for anything.

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  • LAW13
    13 years ago

    Keep in mind that you are asking strangers a question, when you're the one who knows all the details of the situation. This seems like too important of a decision to take advice from the hateful miserable bastards on this site. That's my advice. Good luck. If shes a good girl, your love and support could propel her into making life improvements. Shes probably not collecting child support because she feels sorry for the fucker who knocked her up. Sounds to me like she really needs love and support.

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  • matilda10
    13 years ago

    Wow, you are in a situation!!!
    Perhaps she has fallen into a rut since her divorce, maybe she isn't as motivated etc as before.
    Do you feel like you could talk with her about this? Maybe say...
    It would be nice to live closer to her but your worried since she doesn't work, as you may not be able to afford to keep the three of you.
    Perhaps start suggesting jobs you have seen advertised in your area and offer to help out a little with day care if she needs it. Even if she only works 2-3 days a week. Sounds like she should do something.
    How does she travel without a car?
    Maybe suggest that you will need your set of wheels to travel to your work so perhaps if she saved for a car it would make her life easier.
    Surely you can talk if you sometimes talk upto 15 hrs on wknds.
    Maybe you can tell her you really like her personality etc, however if you were to become more involved, then somethings would have to change.
    Maybe you can talk to her about how she feels since the divorce, if there are things about her that she would like to change.
    I completely agree with you visiting her, HUGE indication of what life will be like with her.
    You want to love her, not for her to be a burden, so unless you can see it working in your favour, be careful!!!
    Suggest that if she got child payments from father, then she wouldn't be so poor. When she whinges, that's a perfect opportunity for you to suggest a change or solution!!!
    Goodluck, think it through and be careful. Keep us posted! :)

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  • kellstar
    13 years ago

    Maybe see how she feels about you visiting her there and see how she lives, if she's living in a mess then expect to be doing all the cleaning as well as supporting her aswell. Seeing how she lives will give u a better understanding of her also, she may have a great personality but u need more than that to make things work. See if she offers to pay for things for you even if it is just coffee, paying everything for someone although may be ok to begin with will soon start to feel like a burden and u may end up resenting her and it won't be easy kicking her out if things go bad as she has a child to think of.
    Think ling and hard, go see how she lives and don't rush into anything until you have thought things through
    Good luck and I hope I helped maybe just a little

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  • aussiewolf
    13 years ago

    i agree with most of the comments here. she does need to "pay" her own way. if you want to test out the "next step" in your relationship then get her to move near you but not move in with you and see how she goes living there, supporting herself. keep "dating", go the dinner and movies and whatever else you both like doing and see if she offers to help out paying for things. see, i dont know whether she is one of those chicks who thinks the guy should pay for everything and she should be a housewife. but if you dont take risks with love, then you will never find out if she is worth it. BUT before you do anything like that, you need to make sure she knows that she will have to buy her own car and take responsibility for her and her kid and that you just simply cant afford to pay for her rent and food etc. if she gets upset because you wont pay for her and she tries to make you feel guilty, then she is not the one for you, she is just using you.

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  • jamesmom
    13 years ago

    She sounds like a former friend of mine. They talk a good talk when it comes to being a nice person eg. Spending time with child, not pursueing child support but when it comes down to it they are self centred and will sponge off people for self interest eg. Vegas. When it comes down to it if you want a relationship with someone who does not step up to be a responisible adult - because who has a spare 15 hours when raising a child for phone conversations - then you have found your girl!

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    • Tekhed
      13 years ago

      Thank you...I never really thought about it that way. If she's on the phone with me for 15 hrs, she's not paying much attention to her daughter. Now I feel as guilty...but this is a true comment.

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  • a_blonde_paradox
    13 years ago

    The fact that she doesn't have a job, a car and "no money" should give you red flags. Not to mention the fact that the girl wouldn't even bother to pay for coffee, after you offered to fly her ass out to where you are and pretty much all expenses paid.

    Also, she doesn't want to get a job, yet complains about not having money and then talks about going to other places to spend money she doesn't have (or expects other people to pay for her)

    Double-check your situation. I'm only giving you advice from what you've told us and my own experience. It's not your responsibility to take care of her and HER kid, even if there are genuine feelings on your end, if you allow her to move in with you knowing what you know; you might just be paying for everything and who knows how long til she gets a job and a car, if at all.

    Wanting to spend time with your kid is fine. But no parent who works full time or part time will be able to do it for 21 hours out of the day, unless they have time off. She's just using the kid as an excuse to not work.

    Make her lazy ass get a job and a car before she moves in. Then see how much her attitude changes.

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  • randomjelly
    13 years ago

    Hmm I would honestly move on. When I found my love there was nothing she could do that I would see as negative in any way. I would have given my last cent..my everything to her and not thought anything of it. I'm still that way years later. If you two aren't even really together and you are caught up in numerous negative thoughts about her then I would just remain friends...if possible.

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  • [Old Memory]
    13 years ago

    Sucks to be you

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    • Tekhed
      13 years ago

      in this case...you might be right. My brain and heart are at odds.

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