Am i mentally screwed up?

I'm a sadic, I have narcissistic personality disorder, OCD, and serious anger issues. At first I come across as a good girl, talkative, nice to be around and charming, but the more time you spend with me, the more you realise I'm sick and dangerous. My boyfriend said that he always felt in danger around me because of my anger issues, he was scared that I would kill him sooner or later, and he said that he felt emotionally-raped by me. I'm 23, I've had 6 relationships, and all of them ended the same way. All my boyfriends said the same things, they just used different words, but the point was always the same. I want to change, but I feel like there's someone in my head who takes control and makes me do and say the things I do and say. I'm addicted to making others feel bad about themselves and playing with guys' feelings. I used to know this guy who had a crush one me for 6 years. When I realised he was into me, I started leading him on. One day I was interested, the next I wasn't. But this time it was great fun. He suffered from depression, his dad was an alcoholic, his mum died when he was a child, and I was '' the only person in the world '' for him. He loved me so much he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I would pretend that I cared for him, then I disappeared, then I would show up again, and so on. I pretended to be his friend but I was just playing with his feelings and I made him cry several times and I loved seeing him cry though I would hug him and say sorry. I love it when a guy falls in love with me, and I can break their heart. I'm just addicted to that feeling.
I did the same kind of things to my mum, I emotionally-raped her because I hated her. Why? I don't know, I just hated her. She had mild-autism, and I knew it, every time she said something, I pointed out how weird she was ( she wasn't weird ), I would always tell her that she had no friends because of her weirdness. I would tell her that nobody listened to her, I would tell her that every time she said something, everyone would act uninterested because she was boring and a loser. She did have friends but I made her believe they were fake friends and that they were only friends with her because they pitied her. I would even tell her that my dad didn't really love her, I would tell her that he laughed at her behind her back and I would tell her that she was ugly ( she was pretty, really ) and that my dad was only with her because she did the housework. What happened next? My mum killed herself because of me. I led her to depression.
Why am I writing this? Becuase a part of me just hates me for all the things I've done, my mum killed herself because of me and I know it, how can I look in the mirror and not feel ashamed? But at the same time, I'm addicted to emotionally-raping people, I'm addicted to make others feel bad about themselves, I just do. I know I'm sick. Most of the time, I do this to guys. I know I'm attractive, and I use my looks to make them fall in love with me. I felt so good when I tied my boyfriend up, and sucked my '' friend '' while he watched, or when I deliberately let my second boyfriend find out that I was cheating on him, and I love it when a guy asks me out and I don't turn up to the date. That's it. It's hard to explain, there's no pattern, I'm just good at making people and guys feel worthless in every situation.