Am i awful ?

Exactly, many people have very unusual fantasies. It’s the people that see no issue with crossing boundaries in fulfilling them that are sick.

If it causes you distress then that is a sign that you are well aware of what will and will not cause trouble.

You can find a partner that likes to pretend they’re asleep, or even one that likes the idea of whatever you want to do when they’re asleep. No harm nor foul. Jeez there are even peeps who have their partner take ice baths so that they are cold like a dead body. Sounds like you will be just fine.