Am i a sadist?

I tend to feel positively towards seeing others in pain, either emotional or physical. I do understand such thoughts are generally looked upon as unmoral or wrong, but never plan to inflict such distress on another. I was a bully in middle and high school, but I now realize that I was a piece of shit, and am on good terms with the person I bullied. I did enjoy being a bully and causing emotional distress to others (and still do), but I try my best not to revert back to my bitch days.

I am turned on by seeing others in pain under the right circumstances, but would like to have a meaningful relationship in the future with equal dominance from either partner. I have a fetish for BDSM, but this is a fairly common fetish based on my knowledge, so maybe I'm not a sadist and am normal like many other people who share this interest! I try to keep in mind that I may be overreacting, and maybe I'm not a sadist, but I'd like another opinion on this.

On occasion I'll look up videos and images of people getting tortured, but I do have a social life, as small as it is. I've always wanted to see someone die in real life, and often think about killing those around me, though I would never act out on this. I am a generally nice person in real life and on the Internet, and feel bad for even simply trolling someone online. D: I know, it's kind of sad, but I understand trolls are frustrating.