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Whenever I'm home from work and my door mat's there to greet me, I get nervous and so, instead of stepping on it, I jump over it.
And okay, I'll admit..sometimes when it rains, I like it. I'm glad it gets all wet and gross. Makes me feel good that it's out there alone and getting rained on...
Probably you should consider seeing a counselor. If you are really thinking these things to me it would suggest you might have a mental illness - like maybe obsessive-compulsive disorder or that possibly you are having breaks with reality. It's the fact that you are spending so much time thinking about an inanimate object as having human qualities that is suggestive of a bigger problem. I think you should be very concerned about your thinking.
You shoulld cut it up into little pieces, throw the pieces into the fire.. so a rain dance to make it get rained on one last time, and throw it into the fire while chanting, 'fuck the doormat!! fuck the doormat!! ' loud enough so all your ndeighbors hear and when they ask you what you're doing, should louder, "AND FUCK YOU TOO!!!!!"