You're making it way harder for yourself then it needs to be. Everyone goes through rough patches. Stop beating up on yourself so much and you'll see a little bit clearer. You should also seek therapy. Don't think you're crazy for doing so, I'm in therapy, I'm only moderately crazy, but shit it helps.
!!stop!! !!stop!! !!stop!! !!stop!! !!stop!! !!stop!!
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You're making it way harder for yourself then it needs to be. Everyone goes through rough patches. Stop beating up on yourself so much and you'll see a little bit clearer. You should also seek therapy. Don't think you're crazy for doing so, I'm in therapy, I'm only moderately crazy, but shit it helps.
Good luck.