(not) becoming an incel?

I know this sounds awful, but I've been starting to sympathize with some incel viewpoints. For instance, whenever I see attractive women IRL I want to look away because I immediately self-deprecate and believe that I'll never get with one in the future. I also have to resist the urge to call women whores in my head and am generally cynical about women.

That being said, I have several female friends and have had alright relationships with women in the past so I know that women are people just like men are. They deserve to be respected as human beings (this goes without saying, of course).

But as for myself, I can't see myself with anyone. I guess what I'm really saying is my standards are way too high. They weren't in the past but they are now. Humans are just so flawed. Women suck. I fail to see why anyone would really want me too, because I suck too. My past relationships were exciting but ended. What's the point if it just ends?

I guess what I'm trying to say is... is it normal to acknowledge a pseudo-incel mentality and genuinely not want to pursue a relationship because I know I'll never be satisfied with my partner?

Is It Normal?
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Comments ( 19 ) Sort: best | oldest
  • It’s good that you have caught this kind of thinking early and recognise it as unhealthy. A misogynistic victim-mentality approach to dating and life in general will do you no favours and gradually eat you from the inside out.

    I think the root of this is seeing yourself as unworthy, what makes you think that? Take a day to unpack your insecurities, list ways you can work on them and come up with a self improvement plan. Also recognising that you don’t have to be perfect and you’re allowed to be ok with some of your flaws is important. As the saying goes, “If you can’t love yourself how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?”

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  • I dont buy into any of the viewpoints but maybe its because of where you grew up. I havent experienced many entitled feminist type girls in my lifetime in real life. Ive only seen them on the internet. I think once you meet a girl and yall click you'll drop the incel shit and move on.

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    • I agree, though I wasnt paying that much attention to the incel community, though I imagine it had its parallels with the meninist problems.

      I agree there are problems between the sexes but then again we have our lot in life and they have theirs. I treat everyone the same so nothing gives you special treatment in my philosophy.

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      • I also try to treat everyone the same up front and give them a chance. Its a good thing to do. You have to give respect to get respect.

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  • It's not that you *should* want a partner, but why settle for that kind of fatalism?

    You owe yourself more than that.

    It is possible be content in life with or without a partner. Maybe it'd be good to try and pursue the latter for a while. But that's not to say that you need to close any doors completely.

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    • All you need to do is be a somewhat functional adult in no debt to be attractive to the other sex. Looks make it easier but it's not the end all be all.

      Hell I thought my unique personality was too offputting for me to find a suitable partner until I was 30. Now I'm with a girlfriend that i can see a happy future with.

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  • I think you just need to remain open minded. I had a lot of great relationships with men but they all ended too but that's normal because many people have to go through heartbreak before finding the person that will never leave them and that they love and who loves them unconditionally. Sometimes it takes longer for others but anyone can find someone, literally anyone. Just remember that. There are all kinds of people out there and they are all capable of ending up with someone.

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  • It’s fine to have high standards but why not focus on living up to them yourself? You should be going into relationships already satisfied in life rather than expecting another to do it for you.
    Also, if you genuinely aren’t interested wouldn’t you be volcel rather than incel?

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  • It's positive that you have sufficient insight to recognise what's going on in your head. A lot of people never achieve that, and they go through life as the puppet of feelings that they don't acknowledge, don't understand and have no control over.

    It is true that all relationships end. Say you found your Mr or Ms Perfect at the age of 16, were blissfully happy for every moment of your time together, never wanted to be apart and stuck together for decades. What's going to happen to that fantasy perfect relationship in the end? One of you is going to die and leave the other. And, yeah, that's a fucking depressing thought, but it's reality.

    But then all lives ultimately end in death and oblivion. If you want to focus on that, fine, it's your life and your choice, but you're going to be miserable and you're going to make everyone you encounter miserable as well.

    Thinking that anything is hopeless and pointless before you even begin it is a recipe for failure. I suspect that either you're suffering from some degree of depression, or you're setting your standards unrealistically high and focusing on the fundamental hopelessness of relationships because you want to avoid the risk of psychological pain. If you were to put the blame for your own cowardice onto women, that would be pure deflection; it's always much easier to blame someone else for our failures than it is to acknowledge that we're the one who's really to blame for the problems in our life.

    Incels are pathetic, delusional fools. Rather than recognising that they've somehow acquired delusional beliefs about their perceived value in the mating market and doing something about that, like a spoiled six-year-old who's been told that he can't eat the whole carton of ice cream on his own, they whine about how unfair life is. Rather than accepting that they aren't a 10 in terms of personality, appearance, and resources and that this reduces the pool of women who might consider them a reasonable match, they remain fixated on the idea that they're FUCKING ENTITLED to have a gorgeous girlfriend, they demean any women who don't fit their media-programmed standards of beauty, and they refuse to lower their sights.

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    • I never knew how crazy incels were until I went looking around on 4chan who sidewalk on here said "you seem like a 4chan guy", at the time I didnt know what a huge insult that really was. But these dudes post nudes of girls (sometimes an ex bf sent them to another guy who posted them) and then they all start doxing her and posting her family's contact details and employer. They then blackmail her and demand more pics until finally she sends everything they ask for but they send all the pics to their family and employer anyway to "ruin their life". The answer they give is "she's a slut that's what she gets". Its like they see a girl do something hot and their first response is anger and hatred.

      I swear tho if someome did that to my daughter id do everything possible to find who they were and have them killed.

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      • Some people toss around accusations of misogyny with very little provocation these days, but I find it difficult to see the behaviour you describe as anything other than that. It's just pure, groundless, spiteful hatred of girls and women. I'm sure it also gives the assholes a feeling of power, which is something that's almost certainly severely lacking in their miserable lives.

        I hate how I've had to make my daughter aware of the fact that there are such assholes in the world. I've tried to be gentle about it and I always qualify it with, "Not all guys are like this, but you need to understand that...", but I hate the fact that she needs to know this shit at an age when I was blissfully unaware that people who were seriously nasty even existed. I hate how she's wary to the point of paranoia about in-game messages on fucking Roblox, and how I can't honestly tell her that this is unreasonable. I hate how I feel that, as a responsible father, I have to educate her on the signs that she's being manipulated, how manipulation always escalates and how there are guys out there who would do their damndest to screw up her life just for the lols.

        But that's the world we live in.

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        • I just might add that, on a scale of 1 to 10, somebody is going to be a 1. It could be from visible scars, radical facial asymmetry, or whatever. Life without the possibility of relationships is a daunting, soul crushing existence.

          Paradoxically, the best way to bring peace to your heart is to give kindness to women that will never be requited. Gentleness in your heart can turn your anguish into solitude.

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        • Its a fucked up world. That whole 4chan thing just hit different to me because of just the pointlessness of it. I dont understand how it makes someone feel good by ruining someones life. With other things like robbery or rape theyre atleast getting something out of it. Idk it just blows my mind that people like to just ruin someone just for no reason and theres a huge community of these people out there. It wasnt just 1 or 2 people we are talking hundreds.

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  • I'm the same way but I'm a woman. I gave up on humans a long time ago. I can't even see an attractive person irl because my standards are even higher than yours.

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  • Its normal to feel cynical, yes. It comes within and it's really yourself and your confidence you need to work on by becoming more secure and comfortable within your own skin. Easier said than done, yes, but nothing good in life comes easy. Put romantic relationship aside for now.
    You're right in people being flawed, yourself included. Eventually you meet someone who's flaws you're willing to look past and whom accepts you for who you are as well, but you might need to lower your demands first and expect nothing, instead of expecting perfection and get disappointed.
    You say your former relationships were "exciting"... I get the appeal of exciting but it rarely lasts in the longterm. "Exciting" is what you look for when you're looking for something shortterm, someone to have some fun with... When it comes to serious relationships it should feel safe, secure, stable... If that's not something you desire, then you simply aren't ready for what a relationship really is and that's okay. There's also the fact that while you're in a toxic mindset and feeling you'll desire someone who's on the same level and it will turn into a toxic relationship quickly, and most likely not a lasting one. That's also why it's important to work on yourself first.

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  • I completely understand where you're coming from !! I came out 4 years ago and have failed to find a relationship and I realized NOT ONLY do men SUCK but so do WOMEN:/
    WOMEN are superficial, not as caring and kind as I envisioned, fickle with no substance. Men on the ither hand are dick thinkers.

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  • Oh well.

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